When I first met Linda and Jason, their faces told a story of quiet desperation. Their 15-year-old son Ethan was slipping through the cracks—barely making it in school, retreating into video games, and showing zero interest in anything that looked like responsibility.

Ethan had just repeated Secondary 3, and was now falling further behind his peers at school. The school had offered little help, and a referral to a youth worker never followed through. They tried sending him for a psychological assessment, but after one costly session that left them with more questions than answers, they stopped. The next suggestion? Another round of ADHD testing and perhaps medication.

But Linda and Jason were exhausted—not just from running from one solution to the next, but from parenting on the edge every single day.

And so they came to me—not for a miracle, but for a conversation.

The Real Question Isn’t “How Do We Fix Our Son?”

The real question is—how do we walk with him differently?

Because too often, parenting teens becomes a desperate search for behavioural modification.
How do I get him to go to school?
How do I stop him from gaming?
How do I make him focus?
How do I make him comply?

And while these questions are valid, they don’t go deep enough.

If we’re not careful, we end up raising boys to be compliant but disconnected. They may eventually go through the motions—pass their exams, do what they’re told—but remain hollow inside, unsure of who they are and why they’re here. That’s how we raise boys who grow up into “manboys”—physically grown but emotionally and spiritually adrift, repeating the same cycle with the next generation.

When Labels Don’t Help

Jason was considering getting Ethan assessed for ADHD again. I gently asked them to pause. In my experience, slapping a label on a teen doesn’t always help—it can even hurt.

I’ve seen boys who are just naturally active or easily bored, but once they are labelled, they start seeing themselves as someone with a “problem.” Others start using it as a reason:
“I can’t focus because I have ADHD.”
“I’m like this because of my condition.”

And worse, medication becomes the go-to solution—chemically dampening energy that could otherwise be channeled, redirected, and forged into something meaningful.

Ethan wasn’t broken. He was simply lost. And boys who are lost don’t need labels. They need initiation.

From Management to Mentorship

What Ethan needed wasn’t another therapy session he didn’t believe in.
What he needed were parents who would journey with him differently—not managing him like a project, but mentoring him through the messy process of becoming.

That’s why I invited Jason and Linda to begin with themselves.

Before trying to “fix” Ethan, I asked:

“What if the real shift has to begin with you?
What if the first step isn’t changing your son—but changing your parenting lens?”

Parenting teens today isn’t about control—it’s about connection, communication, and creating the kind of environment where they can begin to awaken to who they’re meant to be.

A Boy’s Pivot Point

Will Ethan turn around? That’s still unfolding. But here’s the deeper truth:

We don’t just want Ethan to behave better.
We want him to come alive—to discover his strength, his sense of purpose, his unique identity as a young man.

Because when a boy starts to see himself as a man-in-training—not just a student or a “problem to be fixed”—he begins to walk differently. He takes responsibility. He stops hiding. He starts becoming.

And that’s what we’re really after—not another boy in a man’s clothes, but a young man rising with clarity, courage, and conviction.

Want to Shift Your Lens Too?

If you’re a parent, mentor, or youth worker looking to understand young people through a new lens, I invite you to explore my book Youth Lenses. It’s a practical, heart-led guide for anyone seeking to better connect with the next generation.

I’m also running an upcoming online workshop on mentoring youth—a space where you’ll learn practical frameworks and mentoring techniques that work with today’s teens. Sometimes, a mentoring approach can go further than counselling or discipline.
Join us here: 👉 Mentoring for Youth – 24–26 May

If you’re a parent in the trenches like Jason and Linda, know this: you’re not alone. And there’s a better way forward—one that doesn’t just ask your child to change, but invites you to transform too.

Let’s raise sons who become men—not just by age, but by character.

— Joe Chan
Manhood Coach | www.coachjoechan.com